Who am I kidding? Who really reads this stuff? It's boring run of the mill kind of stuff. Of course, I'm not including ALL the details that would make this ever so much longer than it already is. I'm just venting a bit and inviting anyone, who wants to, to ride along.
I won't lie to you. I've enjoyed each and every one of my love lives, and I see no reason why I should stop trying to find that final one who will last forever. Maybe I'll never find such a one and only. Maybe, down deep, I really don't want to. Seems like a nice idea to think about for awhile. But, sometimes, it doesn't seem so nice. I'm not saying that I've enjoyed the way they've all ended. While they lasted, the going was good, and, if, while trying to find that one-and-only with whom I'll live happily ever after, I live through more love lives, I think I'll be okay. In fact, I might be better off with the pleasant memories to bank on. Why frown because they ended when I can smile because they happened?
I guess way down deep, I've liked some things about these journeys. When I've not been devoting myself to someone in particular, I've liked meeting someone whenever, how ever, and where ever, and letting it blossom into something I've wanted to keep. I've enjoyed falling in love, giving it my best and making the most of it for as long as it has lasted. I've liked each journey, and the sum total of all of them even when we got to "the end" sooner than I'd ever wanted.
I've not minded (and still don't mind) having been being dumped by any of the guys. After all, obviously, that became the open doors for both of us to go through and move on to enjoy living our lives. What I've not liked, though, has been the dishonesty I began to discover as the guy who was dumping me tried to feed me his surprising, hit and run, end of the discussion (what discussion?) announcement and rationale about it.
Let me make it clear that I'm not a sainted man (never was, never will be). I've fucked up! Excuse me for saying that. I don't like saying the "f" word, but it's an apt description of my own doings (I know what goes around comes around). I've been the villian in a case or two, and my deeds therein have (in spite of all my efforts to forget them) continued to haunt me now and then. I hope I've become a better man because of them, and I hope the guys (I'm not saying how many) have enjoyed wonderful lives of their own ever since in spite (is that one word or two?) of everything.
Not all "dumpings" have been bad. Then, I don't usually call them "dumping." Usually, I call them just parting company with a happy (although sad) ending. During one love life, the guy and I knew from the start that it would last only so long, but we decided to go with it, and make the best of it. We did weekend travel together and enjoyed our time together marvelously. He and I went grocery shopping together. Every time he came to my place, he pitched in, immediately, and helped tidy the place up. He cleaned my floors. He helped fold the laundry. We showered together. We soaked in hot tubs together. There was not a moment with him that I did not enjoy, and he expressed the same sentiments towards me. But, we knew he was soon to receive his visa documents that would allow him to pursue his studies in another country. It was all good. Why can't all love lives begin, carry on, and end so well?
But, some dumpings have been absolutely rotten. Don't you just hate it when they send you an email and confess that they've been cheating for a year or two (after telling you time and time again that they will always love you as you are, no matter what, come what may and all the while accepting all your generous investments into the relationship [yea, I guess I'm a sucker]) while you were away? Don't you just hate it when they suddenly say something like "we are history" and then they try to shift the blame on you by saying (before the real truth comes out in the wash) something like "you seemed different while we were texting." Don't you hate it when they say something like, "I've got HIV now (because I've been... with at least a dozen people while you were away), please stay calm, what do you want to do?" Or, how about this one. "Why didn't you tell me you didn't want me to meet other guys?" (OMFG!!!!!!)
As I said, it's not the dumping part that's so rotten. I've learned to live with that part, and, frankly, I'd rather we both part company to live our own lives and enjoy memories of our sweet times together than that we endure something we really didn't want, and I want to continue thinking of each person as handsome, sweet, wonderful, golden, angelic. I hate when situations tarnish those images.
So, what else is new under the sun? We win a few. We lose a few. The potential for pain is as great as the potential for joy. We live on! The rotten part (and I know it comes with the territory) is well the rotten part -- that baggage of dishonesty that follows and inserts hell into the heaven we had (and still have [at least in my memories]). Need I say more?
Now, on to the next love life...!
